Can One Truly Say Goodbye?


Courtesy by: Choschos on pixabay.com

When I think about the title of this post, Boys To Men’s song, It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye comes to mind. (You can listen to it here.)

Earlier this year, a cousin of mines had passed away. I didn’t found out until after they had a memorial service for him. He was missing for weeks before his body was found. Though I was over 14 years older than him, we know of each other, just not that well. And we weren’t raised up around each other either. Still, it is sad to know he had died the way he did. And he was so young.

This past Monday, another cousin of mines passed away. She was an elderly woman. I didn’t even know she was so sick and constantly hospitalized.

That side of the family, several of them, I don’t talk to because of what happened in my past because of them. So, though I had forgiven them for my own sake so I can heal and move on, I don’t have to go around them nor communicate. 

When I was told this Monday evening about her passing, I was shocked, and I didn’t know how I feel about it. I still don’t.

When I was a teenager, my life was in chaos, and though I won’t go into details about all the things I was put through (and my siblings), I want to let known that it is difficult when someone who caused you great pain, turmoil, and abuse turned out to be sick for so long and then passed away. I always wanted to sit down and talk with her when I became an adult, but I also wanted to stay clear of her. She was the reason for a lot of things going wrong in my youth. I wanted to know why she took us in and was supposed to care for us but treated us the way she did. And allow others to do it too.

Like, on many occasions, no matter how many times my dad (who died back in 2003) fought hard for his children to get us back, she and other members lied and schemed and did what they could to keep him away or else. It was so devastating, and I grew up with hatred in my heart for EVERYthing that happened under her watch for not only to me but also to my siblings.

I just wanted to get that out of my system in words. Sometimes, you look for the good amidst the bad, but the bad is overcrowding the good. Things happened for reasons unknown at times, and it can be frustrating trying to find out the whys, what-ifs, and hows to a situation when you are a teenager going through life changes. And dealing with people who are mean and so…

Okay…I told myself not to get into these things, but as of now, I find myself taking my days as I usually would upon hearing about her death. That brush, or more like an ambush of memories, came and is slowly fading. A few years ago, I had to do a ritual to let go of the past. It’s okay to think about things sometimes, to look back at how far you have come, but it is not good to dwell on the things that are negative and toxic. I had learned to let go and work on my mental health and not associate myself with certain people. And to do better in life for me, but also for my child.

That ritual I did, I had written pages of everything and everyone who had done something to me, and what happened to me. I went back to when I was a little girl and stopped at the age I was when I started the ritual. It took me the entire weekend to write what had seemed to be eight pages. I poured out every emotion. All the hurt, pain, anger, you named it and wrote it all down. Every single thing and every person, I wrote it down. I ended it with myself for being hard on myself and putting myself down. For allowing myself to go through the things, I took myself through and allowing those things to happen that shouldn’t, and not allowing myself to speak up when needed. Finally, I walked somewhere and burned the pages and said, “I release everything and everyone that had ever treated me and done me wrong. Every bad, cruel, and evilness. I release them from my mind, heart, and spirit.”

With people, our past selves, and whatever else, can one truly say goodbye? Sometimes with some people, like my dad, it took over a decade for me to come to terms with his passing. And to realize he’s really not coming back, at least not in the flesh. So, I feel like a person can say goodbye to someone who had passed on, in their own time, because everyone is different. I supposed it also depends on the person’s relationship with the person who had passed on when they were alive. And also, whether or not it was on good terms if that person wants to say goodbye. Perhaps some people want closure.

My cousin who passed this week, I am not sure when that is, and as I mentioned above, I won’t go into the details but, I had to get that out of my system and write whatever else I may be feeling on a sheet of paper, or whenever that “feeling” may come and write it and burn it. 

I don’t want to be numb.

The candles burning in the video is my way of virtually burning candles for someone who had a loved one who had passed away. Emotions are real, and so is grief. And I wish you nothing but strength, love, and healing.

Stay bless, 

Pamela

It’s Okay To Meditate, Accept, And Understand What Had Happened, But…


I had always heard the phrases about turning the other cheek, don’t let stuff get to you, and trouble don’t last always. Well, I would like to share something with you all that had happened last Wednesday.

My daughter who is in the fifth grade had told me that her teacher said something to her about her Black History project she had done. Whatever her teacher said on that she can’t remember because of what was said afterwards.

My child went to sit down at her desk and went back to work. She mentioned to me about a boy was saying something to her and she told him to leave her alone. That’s when the boy ran to the teacher and said that my child called her a bastard. My daughter told her that she did not said that.

The teacher had the nerve to say this, “What you called someone is what you are, and your mother is one too. I’ve been called worst, so…” Yeah, that’s what she said. I can’t believe she spoke in that manner to my child and about us. My daughter said she was so hurt by what she heard that she cried in her seat. The next day I talked to the principal and she told me that she had spoke with the teacher and the teacher confirmed that she indeed said those words.

I don’t like seeing my child upset. As parents, it’s normal for us to protect our children. I’ve told her it was NOT okay for her teacher to mistreat her. The teacher should not have put her personal issues on a child because of something that happened to her in the past. As for the boy, I was told the next day they had discipline him and talked to his parents.

Long story short, the principal mentioned she would talk to HR at the school district office, but the haven’t updated me yet on that. I was pissed, confused by the teacher’s actions, and wanted to say some things to her and do other things like…

Anyway, somethings are unforgivable and some may consider praying and meditating. You know, to get back into that spiritual space I must have slipped out of. Though, I don’t want this teacher to get away with this and I will see to it that something is being done. The teacher and principal are women and I believe they both have children.

It doesn’t matter the teacher is a different race from the teacher and me. It was just wrong for her to talked that way, regardless of the race. Take race out of it. No one not even them would allow another person, especially an adult who knows better, to called them and their child out of their name. It’s immoral and disrespectful.

Meditating while you are in the moment is okay. It’s not considered weak. To me, it’s from kicking somebody’s ass, I mean butt. If you are spiritual then you got to be a spiritual gangster because people will try to take advantage of you. Yes, I said gangster, spiritually speaking.

There’s a place and time for everything. Just because you may meditate, light candles and smoke incense doesn’t mean you have to bend over and let someone kick you over. Accept how you are feeling. Don’t mask it nor ignore it. Allow yourself to feel. Acknowledge it and understand that it’s never too late to check in on yourself.

Okay, rant over. How is everyone doing? Have you ever been through something similar or when you felt like the bad “energies” are really trying you? Let us know in the comments. Take care, lovelies.

Writing Challenge (Day 3)- First Love and Kiss



This may come off as untrue but I don’t have a first love, nope, I don’t. Believe it or not. For Day 3 of this writing challenge, we are to write about our first love and kiss. I’m like- err. Just exactly what a person who had never fallen in love can say in this post. And a first kiss, forget about it.

Thinking back, I draw a long, deep blank as question marks begin to fill the blank space. I can only dream or wish, but never had. Yes, I have a daughter, but just because two people have a child doesn’t mean they love each other.

Anyway, moving on, my first love if I can called it that is music. The sweet sounds of music had never steered me wrong. My love for music, almost all genres, had gotten me out of ruts, when I’m feeling down, and when I feel like being vivacious. It’s like it speaks to your soul, becoming one with your spirit. Without it I would be lost.

My next love is writing. Since most of you has followed my blog for some time now, I don’t want to repeat myself on my love for writing. All I can tell you is that it started when I was a kid who read too many books, and was introduced to writing when my then teacher placed a pencil and composition notebook in my hands.

As I grew and mastered my craft, (and still is) it never stop. I have to keep my hands busy, my mind entertained, and if that’s the only love that will never hurt me; then I’m cool with that.

So, there you have it. Allowing myself to take on this daily challenge for a month as I peeled back layers after layers; is leaving me thinking what else will be reveal. I dare not look ahead to peek at what else lies ahead for this challenge. It will only overwhelm me. I’m taking it one day at a time.

On a side note, I respect and appreciate the love others have for another. Especially real, true love. I never found it, but I know now that it exists. It’s like finding a gem among a mass of rocks waiting to be pick up and cherish.

Love you all, thanks for reading! ♥️

Instagram Moments On Mondays- Quotes


I couldn’t have said it better than what Aisha Thalia stated.

The last few days while I stared off into a daze, pondering on life and my current relationship status, I placed my harbored feelings to aside.

Not permanently but to take a step back and view the bigger picture. I’m not allowing myself to continue this out-of-control roller coaster ride, but to give my spirit a chance to be at ease. Oftentimes we can get so consume in our relationship matters that it becomes our whole world. All the important things aren’t being nourish, because we give birth to a bad seed. We will water it and give it that all time TLC thinking it can manifest into something we desire. Yet, all the while knowing that you can’t force anything to be what you want it to be.

Yes, taking a step back while taking time for myself. I don’t know what the near future has in store for me, but I would like to be ready.

***

Aisha Thalia is a beautifully spirited person and she makes nearly all who follow her smile and laugh. And, to motivate you that no matter what is going on, NEVER give up. You can follow her by clicking/tapping on the picture.

The Space I Write Everyday 


Here’s yesterday Writing101 assignment that I forgot to post.

Everyday, I pick up my phone and start typing, yes my phone. I had a tablet but the darn thing will not cut back on. In the market to purchase another or better yet a laptop. I didn’t want to make excuses why I could not write my novel or publish a post in my blog. Yeah, the struggle is real, but I’m sure there is someone who may be going through the same. So, I bought a Bluetooth keyboard and that has help some. (Sighs) Can you imagine the built-in keyboard in your phone taking up half the screen that you can’t see what you’re typing? Yikes!

Anyway, sitting on the couch, sometimes alone if I’m lucky, I will type. I will turn off the TV and insert earbuds in my ear listening to different genre of music. Music always seem to calm my soul and ease my mind. Nothing can go wrong. I always use the internet for ideas or index cards and my notebook to jog down my thoughts, ideas.

Sometimes I wish I could zapp myself everywhere in the world and just write, write, and write. I seem to be more Spiritual than anything and likes to connect with nature, the universe, and let my spirit comes one with them. I let my mind takes me far.

Then, there is the awful times, not so much with my six-year-old daughter who requires so much of my attention. She stays under me sometimes, and only when I have to get to writing and blogging, I allow her to watch all the cartoons she wants.

Alas, there is her father whom we live with. He’s mean natured, mental abuser who only cares about himself. He only gives me space sometimes to write because he wants to reap the benefits from a possible book deal or etc. At times, he would stay in my ear venting, ranting and raving about all the exes who done him wrong or any women problems. He talks about them in a negative fashion, too much for my comfort for 7 years, and it drives me nuts!

I’m planning on moving my daughter and me out of this though, because it messes up my mental processes. Sometimes I will stare at the screen, prepare to write, and bursts into tears cause I’m mental drained from the abuse.

This is all I can write for today though.

Feel free to list your ideas on what I should write for a future post. Thanks for reading. 😀