Hi all! It was only three days ago that I wrote about lessons but it was about lessons my child should learn from me. Today’s #writing challenge is about a lesson I have learned the hard way.
One of the lesson I had to learned the hard way was trying to be like someone else. One of the many things I don’t like that I do about myself is being someone else instead of just being who I am. Someone told me a long time ago, “Pam, how you expect someone to get to know you when you barely let anyone in and you don’t know who it is you are.” I’ve been thinking about that statement for years. You see, I had already felt that being myself was a crime because I would get reprimanded. So, if I couldn’t be me then who should I be?
I had to learn that I am unique because I am. And if I am just like anyone else, then that wouldn’t make me unique. Learning to separate myself from the rest and to take a look within to get to know myself. I had wasted time watching how most men go for certain females. Back when I my size was in the single digit, I would wear wear my shirt and jeans that fit close to my skin. I wanted to show off my slight curves even though I was also skinny. Till this day, I don’t care about being a size 4 or a size 6 anymore because I still didn’t like myself even when I didn’t had much fat on my body.
Still, I would dress that way and would change it up to dress in baggy clothes because I was something of a girly tomboy. I attracted the wrong attention dressing in almost-tight clothing. I wore no makeup and I had minimal jewelry. I was young and dumb and wanted to fit in. I had that I had constantly wasted years of my life that I cannot get back being whoever someone wanted me to be. And when I did, some of those people still didn’t stick around or came around when it was convenient for them.
It was hard for me to follow my own path and to not get caught up in the latest trends. It was hard for me to feel like I have to use so much energy and time to not get someone’s attention, but to hold it. It was like I had to do so much to do so, while I was just getting the bare minimal in return. It was hard for me not to questioned myself about what is wrong with me that I can be all that I can try to be, so a person wouldn’t just leave. I supposed it come from trying to do so with my family. The side of the family who took my siblings and me into their home only wanted us to be seen and not heard. And with me being the oldest, I got it worst.
Those times were something I had to seriously learn from so I can work on myself. I have to tell myself that it was okay being myself and not get caught up with what I see on social media, and not become something or someone that I’m not. I had to tell myself that just because a guy ogled over those Instagram models and I am with him or we was to get into a relationship, that I shouldn’t lose my cool. I shouldn’t lose my self-respect arguing to a guy about why he do so much for and give attention to other females while he with me.
And over the years when some of these guys would be trying to get with me, they still keep going for these females telling me one thing and doing another.
Now, I have stopped trying to be someone else and have stopped people-pleasing. I have done so much work on myself spiritually wise mostly that I have become super protective of my space and energy. And that definitely includes the guys who want to use me and want me to be like this or that just for their own desires or whatever.
While doing this post, so much was going on and this post was going in a direction I didn’t originally plan. There was things I wanted to get off my chest that I couldn’t talk about…yet.
Thank you for reading and understanding that my head space is quite muddled now. I hope you all are doing well and staying safe.
Stay tuned for Day 25.