April Writing Challenge- Day 11: Something I Always Think “What If” About

I need to listen to this more often. I've passed up too many chances for my own stubborn reasons. & now I'll always wonder
Photo courtesy by: pinterest.com

Have you ever sat back and cupped your chin and said, “Hmm. What if…”? I’m sure you have. We probably had done it countless times in our life. Some more than others. Today’s challenge is about writing something I always think “what if” about. When I was a child I used to asked questions a lot as most children do. Unfortunately for me, my questions were never answered until I started finding out for myself. And, oh yeah, growing up and definitely having life responding to them. Not so funny how that works. There are a lot of things I wonder what if about but it will take too long. So I will narrow it down.

I wonder what if I didn’t leave and moved to live with other relatives when I was a teenager? I probably wouldn’t have been able to experience the things that I’ve done. The person I was living with first had taken my siblings and me into her home. She was a woman in her fifties then. She was mean and abusive and when I couldn’t take it anymore, I moved away while she was in church. I moved with another relative and began to feel free. What if I wasn’t able to do that? What would happen if I hadn’t done that? Even when I thought I would have a chance to live out my teenage years like most, my relative also started to become strict like the one before. She wasn’t mean or abusive, but I wish she didn’t gossip too much and tell my business, and not opened my mail without my consent. And listening in to my calls on another line while I’m on the phone.

What if I wasn’t living with this particular relative? I probably wouldn’t have experienced some of the things I did that I can’t say on here just yet, because it’s hard to put together the words of seeing and being around situations that I shouldn’t. Maybe things could have been better. Maybe they wouldn’t have. What if I never met this guy who was a college recruiter and wanted the best for me? We ended up becoming friends and going through high school was hard enough as it is. Though I was still in high school; he was older than me. I turned 18 a few months later, and I came to know he was different from the rest. How? Yes, he is a man. But, he was more than those types of guys who only interested in wanted sex. No, he turned out to be a person who saw something in me that I didn’t saw in myself. He was kind, respectful, understanding, and wasn’t afraid to speak his mind. A friend who would tell you if you are doing wrong because he knows this isn’t you and wants the best for you.

I constantly thought about what if I would have left with him and hung out with him on several occasions and when he wanted his family and me to meet each other. I always felt scared that if I did something my relative didn’t like, she would put me out the house. He was a good person. I knew that too late. He always tried to be there for me like a friend should, but my relative didn’t like him. What I usually pondered about is why did she not like him who is a good guy, but these guys who were bad to me and for me she doesn’t care? It’s like she wanted the bad guys who lie and cheat on me and treated me like crap to be for me. But, don’t want the good ones for me. I never understood that.

I wondered what if I never met my child’s father? I would have never gotten with someone who turned out to be a narcissist, user, and an abuser. I wouldn’t have been dumb enough to think that a person could change and treated me better after living with them for so many years. I would have never wasted precious years with a much older man. You can’t get time back. Sometimes when I would think about the what if, the image of my daughter pops up in my mind. Then I tell myself that my child would have never existed, and I love her and can’t see her not in my life. So, what if I never stayed so long with this person? My child and I would be in a better situation. We would be happy and at peace, and not having someone feel like he can project his anger and frustration out on us. I should have never listened to people and believed that a child supposed to live with both parents no matter what. If it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t work out. We had gone through so much and would not advise anyone else to do the same.

I believe people should do what is best for them and learn not from their own mistakes but others as well. I learned that we go through things for a reason. Sometimes we may not understand why, but in time it will all come together and then you will know.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for Day 12. Stay safe and be blessed. And

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