The challenge for today is hard because it pushes me to share what I am struggling with. Over the years, I have always struggled with being who I am. But, that’s a subject for another day, because I don’t want to get emotional and stretch it out too long.
When I looked at what the challenge is for Day 8 on Day 6, I was feeling okay and said to myself this won’t be fine. Now, as I am typing this, I been feeling not so okay. From constantly getting headaches off and on, to feeling that sense of dread, I am beginning to feel a bit blah, emotionless, or something.
Well, for starters, I struggle with a lot but I won’t mention them all. What I struggle with other than my identity is something physical. I been getting headaches off and on for a few years now that went from I can get through this to feeling nauseated. I thought after getting my wisdom teeth pulled I would be fine. No, it has gotten worse. On two occasions my doctor done a referral to the hospital for me to get MRI, it keep getting denied by my insurance company because my doctor didn’t sent over all the necessary paperwork. Twice?! I had to keep going back and forth between them, and now with this coronavirus, it will be some weeks before I can go back to my doctor.
The agony of going through these headaches is no joke and I can’t wait to being able to go back and try again to see what is going on. Doctors are nerve-wracking to me, and when mines mentioned back in November about maybe there could be a tumor sitting on a nerve to my eye(s), I wanted to flip out. Other than the headaches, my eyes get these pains that make me feel like it won’t ever go away. I am and have been working on meditating and just plain on trying to do something to help relieve the pains other than just taking pills.
But, enough about that. The other thing I struggle with is anxiety. I used to have deep depression and I believe sometimes it is always around the corner for me. My previous doctor used to prescribed pills and then I was taken off because I didn’t like how it made me feel. I would be way too happy at one point and then an emotionless human being. At times I would be in a daze and it took some time for me to snapped out of it. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much of a support team outside of the cyber world then.
Now, I am coping with my anxiety. Over the years, I had started drawing away from people a lot more now. Well, most of the people I have drawn away from is for a reason. Some people are hard to deal with and they triggered some things in me. If it’s hard for me to myself around someone, then why be around them. It had taken me a while to work on myself, finding myself, and getting to this point, anxiety and all.
This post had taken me some time to write because it had indeed brought up some memories and emotions in me. Though I have been scheduling these posts, this one had starting writing yesterday, went to sleep, woke up the next day to finish writing. In a near future post, I may have to come back to this to elaborate more about my anxiety. And, my stress that I didn’t want to write about because yesterday I was no doing okay while trying to write, and this morning, I want to be brief and not make this too long-winded.
I hope you all are doing okay and staying safe. Is there something you struggle with you would like to share? Let us know in the comments.
Stay tuned for Day 9.